|Giordano's Pizza by Chris Metcalf|
Hello, and welcome to Crazy Name Town. I’m glad you all could make it today. I trust you have had a jolly good cruise so far. My name is Detective Smarts and my colleague here, with the reddish hair, is Officer Dewdrop. We will be showing you around. Please follow me. If you’re thirsty from your trip, you can pop into the shop here for a Soppy Soda. Later, we will get a grab to eat at Burnt Offerings Restaurant on Dodgy Stomach Street.
Why, thank you, sir. I’m glad you like my suit. My favourite colour is brown, you know, and so I have about fifteen suits exactly like this one. Yes, exactly the same. If you find the perfect thing, why change it? Now, come along. This is one of our main streets. Why aren’t we driving? Ah, well, I had a small accident in which a lamp post banged into me.
Oops, excuse me. I’ll just take this call. Huddle around everyone. We don’t want you all blocking the street. Ah, hello Deborah Stinkbottom. How are things at the police station today? Everything fine, I hope. Oh, really? Are you sure? Right, I see. Okay, thank you, bye.
Everyone, we need to take a quick detour. There have been reports of a strange man in fancy dress costume shouting things at people in Cheesy Terrace. Do you mind coming along? I guess you’ll get to see some real police work. As the detective in this town, I feel like I should check it out. Come along now! It’s not far. Ah, here is our cinema, Filmtastic Frenzy. I love their Perky Popcorn. It’s the best. I came to see a film here last week with my, erm, friend, Barbara Fruity.
“I came too.”
Yes, Dewdrop came here too, with his date, Alice Pickle.
“You were on a date too...”
Well, erm, anyway we watched this very good film called The Revenge of the Maniac Cucumber. What was it about? Well, you see, a killer cucumber was rampaging through the City of Limp Lettuce, causing havoc wherever it rolled. All of the cute strawberries were being held to ransom because they were the nicest of fruits. The evil cucumber wanted to know what their secret was, and why they were so juicy when he was rough. He was also a bit on the hairy side, but hoped the other fruits hadn’t noticed. Lately, he’d been wondering if to get waxed, but his pain threshold wasn’t too high.
Ah, we need to cross the road here, and we just walk down there. Diddily-do! Ah, I know those guys in that car. Stop! Eeek! Hello there, Bob and Joe. Sorry to make you slam on the breaks. No harm done? Everyone, here are Bob Banana and Joe Mango, two of Crazy Name Town’s finest officers. Where are you two going? Cheesy Terrace? Ah, I’m just on my way there now. I can handle that. I’ve had another report come in. Could you take care of it? Thanks. A woman has reported a naked burglar.
“Naked, sir, in this weather? Wouldn’t he have a chilly willy?”
Well, I don’t know about that, Bob. The woman lives at number 11, Frank-and-stupid Street. It’s just off Big Foot Junction. Oddly, she couldn’t give a description and said the man was kind of shadowy looking. I know. Not much to go on, but if you could pay the woman a visit, that would be great. I’m showing these lovely people around today, but then Deborah rang about Cheesy Terrace. Thank you. Bye boys.
Right, everyone, please follow me. This is Cheesy Terrace. I’ll just sort this small problem and then we can check out Crazy Name Town properly. Officer Dewdrop, I forgot to hand out maps to everyone. Can you do that, please? Thank you.
My, what’s he doing? Is that man drunk?
“Is he in fancy dress, sir?”
I don’t know, Dewdrop. Everyone, please stop for a moment. I think this man has had a little bit too much to drink and thinks it’s Halloween – hence his outfit. I don’t want to put anyone in danger here, so don’t move. You’re on holiday, after all.
Stop, lady! What’s the problem?
“Doctor Boring has been attacked at the surgery, and I saw that man over there walking away!”
Alright, calm down. Dewdrop, could you take a statement from the lady, please. Now everyone, I’m a detective and a good one at that, if I say so myself. Everyone wait here. I’m going to go and talk to the man, and find out what’s going on. I’ll be back in a second.
Excuse me? Sir! Sir! Can you stop? I’d like to have a word with you.
I don’t have any. Please stop walking. Put your arms down. Stop staggering. I’m sure you can walk better than that. How much have you had to drink?
You know it’s not Halloween, don’t you? Why on earth are you dressed in such a crazy get-up? Although I have to admit that it looks pretty realistic. Mushrooms, cheese, pepperoni, olives, peppers – you’ve thought of everything. You really do look like a walking pizza. Even down to the big, red tomato fake nose!
Yes, yes, I’m saying that I like your outfit, but I have to ask you a few questions. Erm, stand still, you’ve got some mushrooms falling off. Wow, you even smell like the real thing. Look, stand still. I’m going to hold on to your arm now to steady you. Don’t panic. Eeeeewwww, you’re sticky and greasy. Yikes, that’s tomato paste on my hand and something cheesy. Oh, my... my, oh, my... you’re real!
Everyone run! Run back to the police station! Dewdrop, that’s not a man in costume – it’s a real, living, walking pizza dude! We need help! Run! We need back-up!
“How about a pizza cutter!”
Miss, that’s not going to help! Run!
Day of the Living Pizza
Detective Smarts of Crazy Name Town has a problem. Doctor Boring and his receptionist have been bumped off, and the only clues at the scene are some olives, tomatoes, mushrooms and sprinkles of oregano. With the town folk dropping like flies and strange figures stumbling down the streets, Officer Dewdrop has an idea.
Written especially for Gage Bailey and contained in the Gage Project book to raise money for children's charities. All profits go to charity.
Day of the Pesky Shadow
After his previous oregano-sprinkled adventure, Detective Smarts is still finding it hard to look at a pizza, never mind eat one. But there is a new mindboggler to solve - who is the mysterious, dark figure causing the townsfolk's legs to go wibbly wobbly? Smarts and sidekick Dewdrop are hot on the trail.
Who Is Vickie Johnstone?
Vickie Johnstone lives in London, where she works as a freelance layout sub-editor on magazines and an editor/proofreader on books. She has a thing about fluffy cats and also loves reading, writing, films, the sea, art, nature, Milky Bar and travelling. She has written 10 books.
In 2011, Vickie self-published the following books: Kaleidoscope (119 poems); Travelling Light (free poetry); Kiwi in Cat City (Kiwi Series book 1); Kiwi and the Missing Magic (book 2); and Kiwi and the Living Nightmare (book 3).
In 2012, Vickie published: Day of the Living Pizza and Day of the Pesky Shadow (two comedies for ages 10 up); Life’s Rhythms (316 haiku); 3 Heads and a Tail (romantic comedy, written for NaNoWriMo); Kiwi and the Serpent of the Isle (book 4); Kiwi in the Realm of Ra (book 5), and Kiwi’s Christmas Tail (book 6).
The Kiwi books have illustrations by Nikki McBroom and the Day of covers are by Jennifer Bastow.
Blog and links:
Kiwi Series website: Kiwiincatcity.com
Kiwi Series website: Kiwiincatcity.com
Amazon US author page:
Amazon UK book page:
Smashwords author page: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/vixie
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